100. š reflection + gratitude š
Hello, and happy Monday.
This oneās coming a day late (my apologies)! Have been dealing with other stuff. š Ā Thank you for understanding. <333
āļø Still processing.
Itās a big deal for me that I got to this pointā100 newsletters of my writing out in the world.
When I first started writing tiny driver, I didnāt feel like I had a voice. Many parts of me were scared to say anything online because I was afraid. I was afraid in the abstract senseājust general fears of sharing thoughts into a void where literally anyone could find me and my writing. But, more specifically, I was afraid that this newsletter would somehow lead me to lose out on academic jobs or opportunities.
I grew up during the late 90s and early 00s. This was when folks in my community were experiencing the early ages of the internet for the first time in the comfort of their homes. As a result, elementary and middle school assemblies taught me that the internet was a scary space more than it was a space of possibility. One of the first pieces of advice I remember receiving during these events was: donāt put your real name as your email address. (How funny that seems now!) We were taught that the internet was the new wild, wild west that came with serious consequences. It is interesting to think that there wasnāt even that much evidence at the time in the way of these negative consequences when they were presented to usāonly fabricated stories of the ultimate catastrophe.
Call it my proclivity toward being a goody-two-shoes or my deep-seated gullibility as a child, but I have managed to bring these deep-seated fears of ābeing onlineā into my adulthood. Throughout grad school, I yearned to write and to write publicly. But, I always felt that nagging part of myself telling me that it wasnāt a good ideaāthat I wasnāt yet an āexpert,ā that Iād be embarrassed in the future by what Iād written, that someone would find it and have a million things to say about why I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Compounding this was the notion that I should only be writing academicallyāto write publicly meant wasting my time and effort on something that wouldnāt really count at all for my career. In fact, it seemed that all it could do was detract from the āseriousnessā with which I was meant to pursue academia.
So I kept my desire to write at bay. At the time, my fear was much more powerful than my desire.
And then the pandemic happened. And then I graduated. And then I started to question whyādespite the degree in hand, despite the job I had managed to get, despite all the work I had put in to become an āexpert in my fieldāāI was still scared to write. Still scared to have people read my words in any capacity other than those that have been peer-reviewed, sifted through, thought over for years and years and years.
I began tiny driver as an effort to combat this thinking. And while Iāve stated that Iām āconsenting to learn in public,ā it is at times a bit scary to do so.
This is a space that (despite my best efforts) is messyāfiguratively and literally. It holds complicated feelings about the path that Iāve chosen for my life. It holds ideas and thoughts about other texts that Iām still grappling with for my own work. It holds typos and sentences that I thought were lyrical but ended up being run-ons.
Despite the mess, I think that this practice has done more for my academic writing and my mental health than I can even begin to imagine. The act of pressing āpublishā aloneāweek after weekāhas exposed me many times over to my fear of writing publicly, and has slowly been replaced by desire and joy. The desire to write and keep writing, and the joy of sharing this journey with a community of folks who are also kind and curious.
I feel an immense sense of gratitude to you, the reader. Thank you for following along, for opening these little letters, for writing back to me, for reading. Thank you for continuing to help me unlearn the
š Still consuming.
Very important info from Hugh Ryan above! šĀ š
A big thank you to Mirya Holman for her most recent newsletter on how she sets academic goals and plans for the coming year.
Edna Bonhomme on novels that think through epidemics and pandemics in our society. (Plus a short and intriguing reading list at the end!)
āIām proud of the space Iāve made for myself, and yet I feel a nudge of guilt for living somewhere that looks devoid of any indicators of where Iām from. There are days when I wonder how homogenizing my space is a larger reflection of how as I grow older, Iām also getting further and further from my parentsā cultural roots.ā Ian Kumamoto on embracing a minimalist aesthetic.
āāIāve been on the internet for the last 10 years and I donāt know if I like what I like or what an algorithm wants me to like,ā Peter wrote. Sheād come to see social networksā algorithmic recommendations as a kind of psychic intrusion, surreptitiously reshaping what sheās shown online and, thus, her understanding of her own inclinations and tastes.ā On algorithmic anxiety.
š Book club corner.
Friends! WE HAD OUR VERY FIRST TIE?!?!?! Wowowow. I guess Iām the tie breaker, soā¦ā¦.
Augustās book club pick is At the Center of All Beauty by Fenton Johnson! Iām so excited, and a big thank you to Devin for choosing this monthās books and facilitating our meeting at the end of the month! You can purchase the book here and find meeting details below.
Hereās the event info:
Date & Time: Tuesday, August 30 @ 5PM PST/8PM EST
Registration Link!
Suggested Donation (for those able to donate): $3-10 through Paypal or Venmo (@idyalz) (A note that 100% of donations will go to Devin!)
If you are interested in facilitating a book club and have been to more than two book club meetings, feel free to reach out to me!
You can learn more about the tiny driver book clubĀ here!
š¶ A pup-date.
Plz tell me why Girlie looks like a little seal in her happy hoodie:
As always, thanks so much for reading through, and I'll see you in the next one!
Warmly,
Ida
Well done indeed, 100 newsletters is an amazing thing. š„³
Congrats on 100! Youāre amazing!