Hello, and happy Monday.
This oneโs coming a day late (my apologies)! Have been dealing with other stuff. ๐ ย Thank you for understanding. <333
โ๏ธ Still processing.
Itโs a big deal for me that I got to this pointโ100 newsletters of my writing out in the world.
When I first started writing tiny driver, I didnโt feel like I had a voice. Many parts of me were scared to say anything online because I was afraid. I was afraid in the abstract senseโjust general fears of sharing thoughts into a void where literally anyone could find me and my writing. But, more specifically, I was afraid that this newsletter would somehow lead me to lose out on academic jobs or opportunities.
I grew up during the late 90s and early 00s. This was when folks in my community were experiencing the early ages of the internet for the first time in the comfort of their homes. As a result, elementary and middle school assemblies taught me that the internet was a scary space more than it was a space of possibility. One of the first pieces of advice I remember receiving during these events was: donโt put your real name as your email address. (How funny that seems now!) We were taught that the internet was the new wild, wild west that came with serious consequences. It is interesting to think that there wasnโt even that much evidence at the time in the way of these negative consequences when they were presented to usโonly fabricated stories of the ultimate catastrophe.
Call it my proclivity toward being a goody-two-shoes or my deep-seated gullibility as a child, but I have managed to bring these deep-seated fears of โbeing onlineโ into my adulthood. Throughout grad school, I yearned to write and to write publicly. But, I always felt that nagging part of myself telling me that it wasnโt a good ideaโthat I wasnโt yet an โexpert,โ that Iโd be embarrassed in the future by what Iโd written, that someone would find it and have a million things to say about why I was wrong, wrong, wrong. Compounding this was the notion that I should only be writing academicallyโto write publicly meant wasting my time and effort on something that wouldnโt really count at all for my career. In fact, it seemed that all it could do was detract from the โseriousnessโ with which I was meant to pursue academia.
So I kept my desire to write at bay. At the time, my fear was much more powerful than my desire.
And then the pandemic happened. And then I graduated. And then I started to question whyโdespite the degree in hand, despite the job I had managed to get, despite all the work I had put in to become an โexpert in my fieldโโI was still scared to write. Still scared to have people read my words in any capacity other than those that have been peer-reviewed, sifted through, thought over for years and years and years.
I began tiny driver as an effort to combat this thinking. And while Iโve stated that Iโm โconsenting to learn in public,โ it is at times a bit scary to do so.
This is a space that (despite my best efforts) is messyโfiguratively and literally. It holds complicated feelings about the path that Iโve chosen for my life. It holds ideas and thoughts about other texts that Iโm still grappling with for my own work. It holds typos and sentences that I thought were lyrical but ended up being run-ons.
Despite the mess, I think that this practice has done more for my academic writing and my mental health than I can even begin to imagine. The act of pressing โpublishโ aloneโweek after weekโhas exposed me many times over to my fear of writing publicly, and has slowly been replaced by desire and joy. The desire to write and keep writing, and the joy of sharing this journey with a community of folks who are also kind and curious.
I feel an immense sense of gratitude to you, the reader. Thank you for following along, for opening these little letters, for writing back to me, for reading. Thank you for continuing to help me unlearn the
๐ Still consuming.
Very important info from Hugh Ryan above! ๐ย ๐
A big thank you to Mirya Holman for her most recent newsletter on how she sets academic goals and plans for the coming year.
Edna Bonhomme on novels that think through epidemics and pandemics in our society. (Plus a short and intriguing reading list at the end!)
โIโm proud of the space Iโve made for myself, and yet I feel a nudge of guilt for living somewhere that looks devoid of any indicators of where Iโm from. There are days when I wonder how homogenizing my space is a larger reflection of how as I grow older, Iโm also getting further and further from my parentsโ cultural roots.โ Ian Kumamoto on embracing a minimalist aesthetic.
โโIโve been on the internet for the last 10 years and I donโt know if I like what I like or what an algorithm wants me to like,โ Peter wrote. Sheโd come to see social networksโ algorithmic recommendations as a kind of psychic intrusion, surreptitiously reshaping what sheโs shown online and, thus, her understanding of her own inclinations and tastes.โ On algorithmic anxiety.
๐ Book club corner.
Friends! WE HAD OUR VERY FIRST TIE?!?!?! Wowowow. I guess Iโm the tie breaker, soโฆโฆ.
Augustโs book club pick is At the Center of All Beauty by Fenton Johnson! Iโm so excited, and a big thank you to Devin for choosing this monthโs books and facilitating our meeting at the end of the month! You can purchase the book here and find meeting details below.
Hereโs the event info:
Date & Time: Tuesday, August 30 @ 5PM PST/8PM EST
Registration Link!
Suggested Donation (for those able to donate): $3-10 through Paypal or Venmo (@idyalz) (A note that 100% of donations will go to Devin!)
If you are interested in facilitating a book club and have been to more than two book club meetings, feel free to reach out to me!
You can learn more about the tiny driver book clubย here!
๐ถ A pup-date.
Plz tell me why Girlie looks like a little seal in her happy hoodie:
As always, thanks so much for reading through, and I'll see you in the next one!
Warmly,
Ida
Well done indeed, 100 newsletters is an amazing thing. ๐ฅณ
Congrats on 100! Youโre amazing!