63. 🧠 removing the ego of expectation 🧠

thinking about compassion for my writer-self

Hello, and happy Monday.

This week marks the first official week of tiny driver's version 2.0! As I wrote in last week's post, I'm changing the structure of tiny driver to reflect the evolution of my goals. I'm sure that the way I write in these sections will also continue to evolve. If you have any feedback or thoughts, feel free to let me know just by hitting reply! 💓

✏️ Still processing.

Inspired by Louise DeSalvo, I've started to keep a process journal about my book manuscript.

Here's how I've been using it: At the beginning of every writing session, I answer the following questions longhand:

1. How do I feel about what I am writing?

2. What are my small & actionable writing goals for today?

3. What must I do to write and enjoy the process of doing it?

At the end of writing sessions, I then answer these questions longhand:

1. What did I accomplish today?

2. What do I want to do next?

3. How do I feel about what I am writing?

It usually takes me about 20-30 minutes to prepare and 20 minutes to conclude in this way.

Even though I've only begun this routine last week, the time that I take to do this has really helped my writing practice. When I write about how I feel about my writing, my anxieties tumble out. I'm currently in the process of determining whether or not I should change the organizational structure of my book. It's a big question for me, and one that feels so high stakes. The larger organization of my book definitely highlights certain aspects of my argument over others, so I think it's also a question of me finally having to articulate what this book is really about. Each day, I've been brainstorming 1-2 ways of potentially organizing the book, trying to see what sparks joy (ty, Marie Kondo). As I've been doing this exercise, though, I've realized I need to go back and re-read my dissertation, if only to get a sense of where my priorities once were.

Last week, I re-read my dissertation as a first step in preparing for my book's revision. From one of my journal entries, it's quite clear to see how I was feeling about the prospect:

I am scared to read the dissertation—to go under the hood again and see all the rusty spots that are there.

Those entries I wrote to prepare for my writing sessions all had some reference to fear or uncertainty. After all, I haven't touched the document since I submitted it to my department in April 2020. The time away from it has allowed me to forget a lot of the organizational logic and baseline assumptions that I likely had while actively writing. To dive back into my dissertation meant that I had to reckon with holes in my argument, disjointed prose, and the clear awareness that I deferred too much to the scholars I'm meant to write alongside. There were times when I was much too critical of myself—where I had to take a break because the negative thoughts around my writing amplified.

Going under the hood of my writing—thinking not just about the bigger picture, but the mechanics as well—was difficult. I do think, though, that by the end of the week, I was learning to reframe my task in a healthier way:

Explore my dissertation with compassion and curiosity—remove the ego of expectation.

I think that a lot of the difficulty in reading my dissertation back was due to issues of ego. I didn't want to deflate my sense of self—who I am as a writer and as a thinker. With this reframe, I was able to channel this feeling of fear into a feeling of growth. I quietly reminded myself, "Look at what I was able to do in the time I was given, and look at the growth that will come with this path forward."

📚 Still reading.

Journal Article:
"Strategies for Publishing in the Humanities: A Senior Professor Advises Junior Scholars" by Miroslava Chávez-García Journal of Scholarly Publishing, Volume 48, Number 4, July 2017, pp. 199-220

Since I'm starting this new structure off because my goals have shifted primarily to writing and revising, I wanted to begin "Still Reading" with an article that de-mystifies academic publishing at all stages of one's career. With this article, Miroslava Chávez-García lays out the path for publishing to get a job, to get a promotion, to get a peer-reviewed article in a journal, and to get a first (and second!) book. I have a feeling that this is an article I will refer to many times more in the future.

Chávez-García is an incredibly prolific historian herself, so hearing her perspective on publishing as a woman of color scholar in my field felt affirming. I particularly love what she had to say about publishing when you're on the market for a tenure-track position:

As a junior candidate, it makes sense to publish a piece that reflects a core finding of your research— that is, a piece on a key struggle, milestone, or person that reflects the themes of your work...Such a writing experience not only allows you to refine your thinking about your larger project’s significance but also places your work and presence squarely in the public domain of the academy (202).

This passage sparked something in me. It reminded me that I am writing to communicate my ideas to a larger community invested in the same questions. While the practice of writing centers the community about which I'm writing, the practice of publishing centers my own political and intellectual commitments—I am laying the foundation for the type of work I hope to write in the future. With each piece I write, I am building on my arc of thinking.

Perhaps as a way of lowering the stakes for publishing, I could remind myself that my current work is not the be all end all. As I grow in my research and writing, what I have written will inevitably need to be tweaked, unpacked, further nuanced. All I can do is work with the knowledge I have now.

🌀 Still consuming.

In the bookshop:
Currently Reading: Bel Canto by Ann Patchett
On deck: Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters

Photo by Anshu A on Unsplash

• On Saturday, I got a chance to check out the special exhibit "Mothership: Voyage into Afrofuturism" at the Oakland Museum. I loved the interactive elements of the exhibit, and was especially excited to see the way that Octavia Butler's work was a central organizing element to the artwork featured.

• I read EM Forster's Maurice a few years back and fell in love. Alexander Chee takes on the work of queer love in its historical context—and in its many permutations.

• Will you be baking this fall?

• If you read anything this week, let it be this.

📖 Book club corner.

For September’s book club (which is TOMORROW!), we will be reading A Little Devil in America by Hanif Abdurraqib! Thank you to everyone who voted, and feel free to purchase a copy of the book here! Details are below.

Here’s the event info:

Date & Time: Tuesday, September 28 @ 5PM PST/8PM EST

Registration Link!

Suggested donation (for those able to donate): $3-20 through Paypal or Venmo (@idyalz)

🐶 A pup-date.

Mr. Higgins has been loving his little Phillie Phanatic pillow. We first put it on his bed when he got some teeth pulled and we wanted to keep his cute, furry head elevated. That procedure happened back in March. Half a year later, the pillow hasn't moved—it is his now. ♥️

As always, thanks so much for reading through, and I'll see you in the next one!

Warmly,
Ida